I’ve just taken my daughter back to school for the first day of a new year. There were a lot of nerves! New classroom, new teacher, new routines to get used to… We tapped all the way!
I’m not technically starting anything new but I’ve also got that feeling. The air was crisp and wet this morning – a sure sign we’re heading into Autumn. And the car was covered in condensation; a reminder that in a few months, that will by frozen and I’ll be scraping it off… brrrrr!
Gretchen Rubin talks of the ‘strategy of the clean slate’ as an opportunity to begin a new routine, start something new – add a new habit. And, I’m thinking about what mine will be.
Build on my movement intentions
I’ve been going to Pilates and Deep Aqua Aerobics classes on and off since before the summer but now is the time to embed them solidly into my routine.
Planning my work hours… and sticking to it!
- Using the beautiful planner I have
- Using diary reminders to look at it
- Using phone alarms to remind me to write my ‘to-do’ list at the end of the day ready for the next day
In the past, I get this feeling of new start, I am usually in the Summer phase of my menstrual cycle (fuelled by testosterone!) and so it all feels really possible. I tell myself I’ll be loads different and then feel terrible when I ‘fail’ – i.e. go back to ‘normal’… But, it actually feels different this time. I planned my desk activities a week ago. I’m clear what they will be. And, I’m clear that when – because it is most likely to be when, not if – I hit a road block, that I will journal and tap.
It’s so easy for me to hit a feeling of overwhelm. I look around at the un-done jobs and feel the panic begin to rise. “Oh no, there’s so much to do, how will I ever get it done?” “I’m so bad at doing things” ” I leave so much unfinished” “I’m basically a terrible person” ” No wonder I feel so… ” fill in the dots with whichever low feeling is there. Grab hold of that feeling, draw it inwards and wallow.
Or, push that feeling away, get up and go and do something to distract myself (e.g. cooking, eating, buying something which will temporarily fix it all…) Something I feel I can do well. I can eat really well.
Do you recognise this kind of pattern?
If you’re anything like me, this pattern will have been dogging you for years. And, there are likely to be many reasons why it’s there. Why it might be really important that it stays with you.
In my life, it protects me from my feelings of being not good enough. Not Good. Enough. That big, old, chestnut. The one with the disease which is ‘rotting’ me from the inside out.
Recently, I’ve become so conscious of the sheer quantity of negative-towards-myself stuff which churns round my brain all the time. All. The. Time. And, I mean ALL THE FREAKIN’ TIME. Sounding familiar?
The internal volume has also ramped right up. So, whilst the feelings have been there for decades, I’m only just really knowing it. Only just really feeling it. Really feeling it. Really real-ing it.
And, it’s sh!t . Really, really sh!t.
And this has been my primary negative driver. For years. I push myself forward against this force all the time. I make myself face my fears and do things despite it. But it’s really hard work. It’s tiring.
And, logically, am I really that bad? I’ve acheived a lot of things which I can be truly proud of. But, even writing that, I started distracting myself with thoughts about ‘texting so-and-so’ or what to have for dinner. And, undermining those achievements with “Yes, but you didn’t get the top grades” etc. etc. etc. (Followed by, if you say that, people won’t want to use your services because you aren’t an A* student)
It’s constant. It’s painful. So, what will I do instead today? If that hits me halfway through the day, what will I do to ‘beat’ it back?
I shall tap. I will tap by myself for the surface things. I will tap with others who are expert to get to the core roots of this.
And, most importantly, I will give my feelings some space. Allow them to be there. And know that it is hard to sit with “I’m not good enough” in all its various guises. It’s hard to stay with it because it is not what I’ve done in the past because, it makes me want to run to the snack drawer to cram it all down. To consume it away.
BUT. And, this is the biggest heart-space realisation for me; it’s always been there. Of course it has. Sometimes it’s less loud but it’s always there. I know this in my head, but I’m finally understanding it in my heart. No matter how fast I run, no matter how many crisps I eat, I am still here. My feelings are still mine; loud and clear within me.
I have been working on this aspect of myself for years. I know it holds me back. I know it’s not helping but I have felt helpless in face of it. But now, it feels like it’s my time, space and earthly-mission to turn and face these feelings which have dogged much of my waking hours for decades. It’s time to feel into and be OK with who I am . As l am. Warts, bumps, curves, wrong notes, learning-all-the-time, me.
My time is now. Hoorah. It’s time to be me.
It’s not easy but it’s time.
Is it your time?
I help people like you to find your emotional stumbling blocks and, working together, free you to move forwards. Herbs, tapping and Bach flowers.